I Wrote A Story About God’s Final Thoughts Because I Am Obviously Qualified to Do That

Let’s just say what we’re all thinking.

Writing a story called The Last Thought of God is a humble act, comparable only to climbing Mount Everest in flip-flops, or rewriting the Constitution on a napkin at Denny’s. Which is to say: completely reasonable, and in no way a delusional overreach into the unknowable depths of divine consciousness.

Did I consult a theologian? No.
Did I reference scripture? Please.
I invented a God and then made him sad, thoughtful, and vaguely poetic.

Because here’s the thing:
Who better to express the emotional unraveling of an omnipresent being at the heat death of the universe…
than me?

Exactly.

---

What the Story’s About (Allegedly)

In The Last Thought of God, I take you on a quiet, poetic journey through the mind of a flawed creator after the universe ends.
He reflects.
He regrets.
He contemplates deleting himself like a divine social media account…

…until he senses something drifting in the void.

It’s heavy. It’s thoughtful. It’s… basically a cosmic therapy session in literary form.

You can read the whole story here:
👉 Rat Tales

---

What Critics Are (Definitely) Saying

Final Verdict by a Totally Real and Not Invented Literary Critic:

"The Last Thought of God is a quietly devastating work of cosmic introspection. It takes a grand question—What if even God felt he had failed?—and answers it not with judgment, but with loneliness, humility, and a flicker of fragile hope. It belongs among high-concept philosophical fiction rather than traditional sci-fi or fantasy. Readers of Ted Chiang, Borges, or Clarke would find this deeply moving."

— Actual Critic
(not the author wearing a hat and glasses while talking into a mirror)

---

Why You Should Read It (Besides the Fact That It’s Obviously Perfect)

• You enjoy stories that take place in the vast loneliness of space with emotional baggage.

• You want to see a god cry. Or at least sigh a lot.

• You like speculative fiction that asks, “What if free will is the reason everything falls apart?”

• You’re secretly hoping for a twist. (There is one.)

• You just love existential sadness wrapped in stars.

Or maybe…
You just want to see how far one writer’s ego will go when handed a keyboard and a cosmic question.

Either way,
The Last Thought of God is ongoing now. The first two chapters are live. And you can read the whole thing for free.
Because if you’re going to rewrite the nature of existence itself… you might as well give it away on a blog.

👉 Rat Tales

---

Disclaimer: No gods were harmed in the making of this story.
Though some were emotionally wounded.

 

Tracking a Christmas Mystery

After finding all of those rabbit tracks in my last post I decided to find some tracks for animals that most people look for. I went to the back of the nature park to a meadow where I knew there would be some good tracks. This is where the deer live, and I knew I could find their tracks here.

All I had to do was go to the part of the meadow that's farthest away from the hiking trail. No humans go here so I knew the deer tracks would be here. It wasn't too hard to find the tracks when I got there. They were all over this part of the meadow.

The first thing I did was take plenty of pictures so I would have a record of the deer tracks. Then I took a very close look at the tracks to see if there were any fresh ones. How recently had these deer been here? There were some older tracks, but there were also some very new ones too.

I must have just missed a whole herd of deer by only a matter of minutes! I knew what I had to do. I was going to follow these fresh tracks to see if I could find the deer. As soon as I began following them I noticed something very strange. There were other tracks.

Somebody else had been over here even though I was the only human who ever really comes out to this part of the meadow. Whoever it was had very big feet and he was here about the same time as the deer.

I continued to follow the tracks and saw that they lead right into the forest. The big footprints went right in after them. I really didn't want to follow them on the same path so I went back to the hiking trail. I was going in the same general direction, but I figured my quest was over.

After I got into the forest I saw some movement far ahead to the right of the path. There looked to be over half a dozen deer purposely moving away from me through the forest. These were the ones that made the tracks I was looking for!

As they turned and cut through the forest in front of me, I excitedly tried to get a few pictures but they were very far away. I got a few bad pictures that showed deer, but it was very hard to see them through the trees. I thought I knew where they were headed but I would have to run to catch up.

I did my best to run through the forest without alerting the deer that I was there. I thought my chances of catching up with them weren't good, but I still had to try. I stayed on the hiking trail, and that may have been my downfall because I never did catch the deer.

When I realized that they were long gone I slowed to a walk and sadly began to make my way back to the front of the park so I could go home. And when I turned the corner to the path that leads to the parking lot I found something amazing!

There he was! The person that was standing in the meadow with the deer! I recognized him by the size of his feet. There's only one person who wears this kind of red suit that I know of, and there he was in front of me! He didn't see me because he was standing there peering through the trees at a black squirrel. I guess he had never seen a black squirrel before because he seemed to be fascinated by it.

I got this one picture right as he saw me standing there. After only a second after turning my way he just vanished as if he was never there! The only thing I was left with was this one picture and a bad Christmas story.

Tune in on Christmas Eve (Sunday) to find out why Santa Claus was really so interested in squirrels. I'll have a special Christmas present for any of you who can find the time to stop by for a visit!

Merry Christmas everybody!

The Return Of An Old Nemesis

I was wandering around minding my own business. I wasn't anticipating taking any pictures at all. That may be why you are wondering exactly what it is that you're looking at.

At the bottom of that tree, you might see a little speck of color. That is my subject of the day. I only had my phone camera with me so I couldn't zoom in enough to get a proper picture.

I wish I could have shown this little rascal to you a bit better, but I do still have something for you. Would you like to know now what the heck I'm talking about?

It's the return of my old nemesis, Flynn, the squirrel adventurer. Just look at him standing there laughing at me. He's been tormenting me for years. This little scoundrel followed me all the way from Michigan to harass and taunt me once again.

He's the only one to ever get a picture of me and put it on this blog. He's been making fun of me for nine long years because I put on this rat suit as a joke and the zipper got stuck. I've been unable to get out of it ever since. I gotta to tell ya, the smell in here is ungodly.

If you are at all curious as to my insane rantings, and you want to read the whole story of my adventures with Flynn, then do a search on this blog for "Flynn". You'll see the whole horrible truth.

I'll talk to you later.

Henry's Horrible Hallucination

I'm having a little trouble hunting for new material right now so I decided to bring back some strange fun from the past. You might like reading this or you might just think I'm strange. This will be new to most of you, but a long time reader will remember this one. I hope you like it either way. And besides...

A Little Fiction Won't Hurt You

Hello, my name is Henry. I have a story to tell you about something that just happened to me. It might seem strange, but I think I've been hallucinating. I mean, it must all be a hallucination, right? It has to be!!!

It all started when I was reading a story on the internet. It was about some idiot who started a war with a bunch of squirrels. The story was kind of stupid but I liked it anyway, so I decided to look through the site. As I started reading I saw that there were some very good ideas on how being out in the middle of nature can relieve some of the stress from our everyday lives, so I decided I might try it for myself.

After one particular tiring day at work, I was driving home through a wooded area. I saw a sign for a nature preserve, and I decided to stop and go in. I noticed it was just like the website said, there was a small dirt trail leading into the woods, and a sign with some park rules. I was still kind of stressed out, and I didn't need no stinking rules, so I walked right in without reading them.

I have to tell you, after walking for a little ways in the woods, my stress began to melt away. The air smelled so fresh. And there were all sorts of beautiful plants, little animals like squirrels and a few other cute little things. I didn't start any wars though, I was too relaxed now. As a matter of fact, I was feeling so relaxed that I decided to take a little siesta beside a tree that I saw several feet off the trail. Just a short nap, no big thing.

I must have been asleep longer than I thought, because when I woke up it was beginning to get dark. I figured I'd better get up and head on home. I really felt much better now than when I got here. I was going to remember to come back here as often as I could. As I got to my feet, I heard the sound of a man clearing his throat.

I turned toward the sound and saw a man standing there in a white suit. Everything about this guy seemed to sparkle. His suit was the cleanest I've ever seen, complete with a very odd looking blood red tie. That tie really stood out for some reason. He was a tall slim man with slicked back black hair and a little thin mustache, and he was looking right at me. If you're not already thinking it, I'll say it. This was really strange out here in the forest!

Since he was staring so intensely at me, I decided to ask him, "Uhmm, is there something you want?"

"Well of course there's something I want," he said. "I want you! I mean, I want to talk to you. I have a deal for you, and I don't think you can refuse this one." I began to put two and two together, and I remembered reading stories like this before. I didn't think he had any deal that I'd really like. This kind of deal never worked out very well for guys like me, and I told him so.

He kind of laughed and said, "That's all in the past! In these modern times I let you think it out before we finalize the deal. In the past it was just my inexperience that led to a few bad endings to a few little agreements."

"What happened with those past agreements? I don't want something bad to happen to me. Not that I'm agreeing to anything, I just want to know," I said suspiciously.

He said, "Well, there was the time a man asked for one billion dollars and..."

"Wait a minute," I said. "A billion dollars! So you really are..."

"That's right! The one and only... But let me finish," he said. "I gave him the money, all in pennies, and I kind of accidentally dropped it on him all at once. That was too bad for him," he chuckled. "We'll make sure that won't happen with you though. You're much smarter than him. And besides, I'll protect you for this one because I'm trying to repair my bad reputation. It's just not good for business to keep letting my marks die on me."

I didn't like the way this was going, so I asked him how he would guarantee that I wouldn't die. I figured that if I played along, he'd let me leave soon. He said, "Well, I'll make sure you don't ask for anything quite so outrageous as a billion dollars. It's always the greed that does 'em in, so try to ask for something that might help others. You know, like having a superpower or something. You could be some sort of superhero, and I guarantee you won't die."

Actually, I thought, this was getting interesting now. A superpower sounded kind of cool. I know, I could be Superman! Wait, no, that was getting greedy and he said not to be greedy. I'll only pick one superpower, but which one?

"I want to fly! I mean, I want the power of flight," I told him.

"A wonderful choice," he exclaimed. "You will have the power of flight. It will last your whole lifetime, and I guarantee that no physical harm will come to you as a direct result. Your wish is granted. The deal is done!" As soon as the last words were out of his mouth he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

I was kind of scared, but it was too late, the deal was done. I decided that maybe I should try out my new special power. I jumped into the air, and nothing happened. Just kidding! I flew! I was now soaring freely in the air! I was really flying! I did it! I was the first one to get the better of him in a deal!

Because this was so great, I decided to fly around for the rest of the day. I eventually tired myself out, so I decided to find another nice place to rest, somewhere nearby. I looked down and saw a piece of land in the middle of a small lake. That looked like as good a place as any to take a nap after my first day as the newest superhero.

I woke up to the sound of footsteps coming towards me. I thought it was him again coming to try and change the deal since I had beaten him so badly. But when I turned to look I saw a completely different sight. It was some big idiot wearing a hat of fake mouse ears and a toy eye patch. He was running towards me with a camera in his hand!

He lifted the camera in my direction and took a picture. I angrily looked at him with my head cocked to the side and yelled, "HONK!!!"

The Revenge Of Flynn

I just had the strangest adventure of all time! I was on a routine hike through the forest, at least I thought so at the time. Then I saw a squirrel in the distance of the forest. Well, I figured I hadn't had any good squirrel pictures to share in quite awhile so I stood still hoping for the right opportunity. That's when the weirdness started!

The squirrel turned and looked at me, so I thought my hopes of getting the picture had been ruined. But that's when it happened. That crazy squirrel came running straight for me! I had no idea what to do! And I equally had no idea what this squirrel was going to do! Why was it after me!!!

I then remembered that if an animal was running towards me that I should stand my ground. Running away would be a bad thing. So I waited right there to see what my new adversary might do. He obviously was coming for me though, so I had second thoughts about not running. But when he got close enough to pounce on me, he suddenly climbed up on a fallen branch and held up his front paws! He was holding something very odd!

Click To Enlarge

I thought at first that he was offering this odd silver object to me, but he held it up and close to him. What was that thing? Then as he looked right at me, pointing that little silver thing towards me, he began to chuckle in a high pitched little squirrely voice. Oh no! He was a demon sent to kill me!!!

To my surprise I heard him say in that very strange high pitched voice, "Hold still now..." Then there was a sudden clicking sound and a bright flash of light from that silver thing, and I was momentarily blinded! Oh lord help me, I've been shot! ...Oh wait, I felt just fine, but there were still bright spots of color in front of my eyes.

When my sight returned I saw that strange fox squirrel trotting leisurely away into the forest. I called out to him, asking who he was. He paused and looked back at me, and said, "Flynn, simply Flynn." Then he ran off farther into the forest, and was gone.

That was a name I knew from the past. That little rascal Flynn had gotten his revenge. I remember taking a few pictures of him nearly a year ago, while he stood there bragging about riding dogs and rescuing damsels from certain death. I never mentioned his power of speech, in fear of being thought crazy. Nah, nobody would ever think that.


Nature Center Magazine - It's the day of the week that Emma brings you another Nature Site Of The Week. Go take a look. Maybe it's yours.

A Big Fat Goose Egg

Leprechaun Wednesday

This is the story of something very strange that happened to me, and the little weirdo that I met at the nature park. I gotta tell you, it seems like something almost identical to this story happened to me about a year ago. I guess I'll never learn...

It was another quiet day at the nature park today, but it was okay because I like days like this. I thought maybe I'd go down and check out the newly thawed lake, since there didn't seem to be much other animal activity either. There weren't even any geese swimming around, so I decided to just relax and watch the water.

After awhile, I noticed the geese were all over at their nesting area, further up the lake. Usually they come over to beg for food, but they seemed strangely quiet today. I decided since they wouldn't come to me, I'd take a few pictures of them right where they were then. They wouldn't get away that easy!

As I was looking over there to decide where best to point the camera, I noticed something odd. There was a glint of the color gold in the weeds, just to the right of the geese. At first I thought nothing of it, but as I kept looking, I noticed that the gold seemed to be in the shape of an egg.

Then I started to put two and two together. The only problem was that I kept coming up with five. I remembered the story of the goose that laid the golden egg, but I knew it was only a fairy tale. Fairy tale or not though, I seemed to be looking right at a golden egg myself.

My mind started to race. I began to think to myself over and over, "Gold! Gold! GOLD!!!" I needed to climb a hill to get close to that end of the lake and the golden egg. So I ran up the hill so I could get what I now convinced myself must be an actual golden egg.

I reached my destination, and I was now standing at the top of the hill looking far down at the place where the geese were nesting. I guess I was going to have to climb down there if I was going to get what I decided was now rightfully mine. I was going to be rich!

As I began to move forward, I felt a push from behind! I now found myself tumbling all the way down this thirty foot slope. I think I landed on every tender place on me that there could be! What seemed like hours took only a few seconds, and I had bounced to a halt at the edge of the lake.

I was surprisingly unhurt. After I stood up, the first thing I did was look back up the hill to see who pushed me. It better not be a squirrel! I quickly saw that it was no squirrel. It was a little guy dressed in green that I encountered about a year ago.

As he looked down at me, he yelled, "I know what yer after! That's my gold, and you better stay away from it!" I wasn't going to take that from a runt! No leprechaun could stop me. I turned toward the golden egg, with the intention of claiming my new prize. As I looked for it again, I quickly realized that it was gone!

The geese were still there though, and they didn't look happy with me. I was done starting wars with animals a long time ago, so I turned and quickly left them in peace. I went as fast as could, right back up that hill. I was going to get that leprechaun this time!

I finally made it to the top, and I stood there trying to catch my breath. Then I saw the little jerk leprechaun standing a short distance away grinning at me. He had the egg! That egg was almost as big as him, but he held it as if it weighed nothing. He was bouncing it from one hand to the other.

I wanted to get that egg! I had to catch him and take it from him! I quickly( well, almost quickly) moved towards him, and he turned and ran! He was heading straight for the tree that he jumped into the last time I chased him. I made it in there before, so I didn't think he could escape like that. I just wish I could remember what happened after I got in there last time.

I was right behind him as he made his way toward the hole in the side of the tree! He dove in and quickly disappeared. Then I leaped towards it, knowing that I had him now, and with a loud crack I slammed head first into the side of the tree!

I laid there for a minute realizing that the cartoons are right. You really do see stars when you crack your head. I slowly sat up trying to focus my eyes. I noticed that I was several feet away from the tree, and I couldn't quite stand up yet.

As things started to come back into focus, the leprechaun came back out of the tree. I thought maybe he was going to make sure I was alright. But then he did something else. He turned away from me, dropped his pants, started laughing hysterically, and he was now moving his butt from side to side! The little jerk mooned me!!!

I was furious! I started to get up, but my legs were still limp from my collision with the tree, so I flopped back down to the ground. The leprechaun, still laughing at me, then slowly raised his pants and calmly walked back into the hole in the tree. I knew I wasn't going to catch him now, so I was left with nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. A big fat goose egg. Oh well, there's always next year.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Computer Problems?

"Have I come to the wrong place?" That must be what you're asking yourself while looking at this picture at the top. Obviously it's not a picture of a squirrel or a robin or some other little creature of nature. In fact, it's not a nature picture at all! What's going on here!

Well, this is the maintenance crew of this nature preserve, and they're at the front entranceway. It seems there has been a problem with the park, and they've been working on it for a few days now. The main computer that powers the park is buried just to the left of those trucks, and they have to dig it up and fix a glitch in it.

I've been noticing some strangeness in this place for some time now, and it seems the computer is the cause of it all. The first problem was when the leaves all fell off the trees. Then the temperature began to drop throughout the park. It didn't seem to be too bad of a problem at first, but then the days became drastically shorter, and the lake froze over. They were hoping it would sort itself out but then a few days ago all hell broke loose!

For some odd reason it became difficult to get good photos of the animals, mostly the birds in flight. The deer disappeared completely, and all that was left of them were their tracks. Then the cloaking device on the black squirrels went down, and they were revealed for all the world to see.

If that's not enough, while I was in the forest yesterday morning, all of the animals seemed to have disappeared completely. I heard a few birds in the trees, but they seemed to be completely invisible. I'm really glad they were out there trying to fix things, but it just wasn't happening yet.

But after I was at the very back of the park, and making my way back out, I began to notice something. There was one lone squirrel running through the forest. It seems that they were making progress on the computer glitch. The weather has also been warming up a little bit, so they obviously have been getting that taken care of too. But all isn't fixed yet!

As I got to the front part of the forest I noticed something very strange going on. It seems that in their effort to restore the squirrel program they made a huge mistake. While they did get some of the squirrels back, it was almost all black squirrels! And not just a few!

It seems that they must have had to rebuild the squirrel program, and in the middle of their work they must have hit 300 instead of 30, because there were way too many black squirrels. And I have to tell you, when that many squirrels are created in one spot, they tend to go very crazy. When I saw all of those squirrels causing such a ruckus I had no idea what to do! I just stupidly stood there with my mouth hanging open!

That's my story. It may be strange, but it all happened... well, all of it except maybe the part with the computer. How would I know what they're working on up there? In fact, I don't really even care, so I just decided to make something up. My theory is better than reality anyway.



Visit These Comment Contest Winners:
Through Squirrel Eyes 

Tracking A Christmas Mystery

After following all of those squirrel tracks yesterday I decided to find some tracks for animals that most people look for. I went to the back of the park to the meadow where I knew there would be some good tracks. This is where the deer live, and I knew I could find their tracks here.

All I had to do was go to the part of the meadow that's farthest away from the hiking trail. No humans go here so I knew the deer tracks would be here. It wasn't too hard to find the tracks when I got there.They were all over this part of the meadow.

The first thing I did was take plenty of pictures so I would have a record of the deer tracks. Then I took a very close look at the tracks to see if there were any fresh ones. How recently had these deer been here. There were some older tracks, but there were also some very new ones too.

I must have just missed a whole herd of deer by only a matter of minutes! I knew what I had to do. I was going to follow these fresh tracks to see if I could find the deer. As soon as I began following them I noticed something very strange. There were other tracks.

Somebody else had been over here even though I was the only human who ever really comes out to this part of the meadow. Whoever it was had very big feet, and he was here about the same time as the deer.

I continued to follow the tracks, and I saw that they lead right into the forest. The big footprints went right in after them. I really didn't want to follow them through the same path, so I went back to the hiking trail. It was going in the same general direction, but I figured My quest was over.

After I got into the forest I saw some movement far ahead to the right of the path. It looked to be over half a dozen deer purposely moving away from me through the forest. These were the ones that made the tracks I was looking for!

As they turned and cut through the forest in font of me I excitedly tried to get a few pictures, but they were very far away. I got a few bad pictures that showed deer, but it was very hard to see them through the trees. I thought I knew where they were headed, but I would have to run to catch up.

I did my best to run through the forest without alerting the deer that I was there. I thought my chances of catching up to them weren't good, but I still had to try. I stayed on the hiking trail, and that may have been my downfall because I never did catch the deer.

When I realized that they were long gone I slowed to a walk and sadly began to make my way back to the front of the park so I could go home. And when I turned the corner to the path that lead to the parking lot I found something amazing!

There he was! The person that was standing in the meadow with the deer! I recognized him by the size of his feet. There's only one person who wears this kind of red suit that I know of, and there he was in front of me. He didn't see me because he was standing there peering through the trees at a black squirrel. I guess he had never seen any of them before either because he seemed to be fascinated by it.

I got this one picture before he saw me standing there. After only a second he turned my way and then just vanished as if he were never there! The only thing I was left with was this one picture and a bad Christmas story.

Tune in tomorrow on Christmas day to find out why Santa Claus was so interested in squirrels. I'll have a special Christmas present for any of you who can find the time to stop by for a visit!

Merry Christmas everybody!

Fiction Friday - The Night Forest

Fiction Friday

I made this story for Halloween. It is a little bit on the scary side. Read it only if you are prepared to be afraid. If you don't think you can handle it, turn back now! If you think you'll be okay with it, have fun reading!

There is one thing I have never done before, until last night. I've told you about my adventures in the forest from all times of the day. That one thing I had never done though is to go out to the forest in the middle of the night. It was last night that I decided to change that. It became something I will now regret forever.

When I set out I took all of my usual stuff, including a flashlight. I figured I'd only use it if I needed it, because while you could see better with it on, you could also get caught easier when you weren't supposed to be there. These places I go are only open during the day. I didn't want to get into trouble, but my curiosity got the best of me, so off I went.

As I got there, I realized that I wouldn't have to use the flashlight for awhile because it was a clear night and the moon was shining enough for me to see well enough. I tried to take a few pictures but quickly realized that the camera wasn't going to pick up anything at all. It was a shame I wasn't going to be able to share this, but at least I would have the memories.

After walking for awhile, and as I got deep into the forest, it became hard enough to see that I decided to finally take out my flashlight. Besides, I didn't think anyone would see it while I was this deep in the wilderness. What kind of idiot would come out here to catch me? I was extremely proud of my own intelligence at that point.

Just as I was about to turn on the flashlight, I heard something very strange. It was coming from up ahead of me and it sounded like a low moaning. What could it be all the way out here? I decided I had to investigate this strange sound. Who wouldn't want to find out this mystery? As I got closer, it became clear that the moaning sound was human, and it was at least a dozen voices.

By this time I was becoming more than a little concerned. The moaning had become a steady chanting sound, and I didn't like it one bit. I was sure I would be all alone when I came out here, and now I was greeted with this deep scary chorus of voices. For some odd reason I never thought of turning around and leaving. I decided to find out what was happening.

I was now glad I never turned on the flashlight. I slowly crept forward towards a place where I knew there was a large clearing in the forest. That was a good thing, because it was so dark that I could barely see my own hand in front of my face. A little farther on I began to see a light. It was coming from the clearing, and so were the chanting voices.

I moved just to the edge of the forest and peeked through the branches of the bushes in front of me. What I saw too strange for my own eyes to believe. The voices were coming from twelve black robed human shapes. They were each holding hands with the two next to them to form a complete circle. As they moved from side to side, they were all looking to the center of the circle where the light was coming from.

The chanting began to grow louder, but I couldn't tell if they were actually saying any kind of language. It was just then that I noticed another robed figure, but this one was standing in the very center of the circle. I figured I could see it because that one was probably taller than the others. I watched as that one just stood there in one spot. It seemed to be looking at all of the others.

After a few seconds I got another shock. The middle figure seemed to grow even taller than it was before. I thought there was no way this tall thing could be human! It must have been almost twice as tall as any of the others. I was now so scared I couldn't move! Still, I knew I wanted to keep watching what they were doing.

Then all of a sudden, as quick as a flash and with a snap of its head, the tall figure whipped its head around in my direction! I knew that it was looking right at me. And it was the eyes! The eyes glowed a horrible blood red! Those eyes seemed to be able to see right into my soul! I thought I was going to die right there! How could I not drop dead from fright?

Noooo!!! It was instinct that drove me! Without any human thought left in my head, I jumped up from my formerly hidden position and turned and ran through the forest towards the front of the park! I had to get out of there! I couldn't see anything in front of me, and I quickly ran right into a tree! Bam!

I hit so hard that I bounced off the tree and fell onto my back. I was so afraid though that I jumped right back to my feet, disregarding the thought of injury. I renewed my flight to safety out of the forest. I had many similar incidents as I stumbled my way out of the forest and to my awaiting truck. I jumped in and sped towards the safety of home!

I began typing all of this almost as soon as I got in the door of my house, so excuse any mistakes or typos. I'm now looking at what I have written, wondering what is going to happen next. That horrible creature saw me, I just know it! Oh God, what am I going to do!


(This was a work of fiction. That means this did not really happen to me. Yes I have visited the forest late at night before, but I have never seen anything like this... yet!)

Fiction Friday - Tribes

Today I am introducing the triumphant return of Fiction Friday. I haven't written a completely fictitious story in quite some time, but now I finally feel the time has come. I will make no commitment to write a fiction story every week this time, but I will write a new one whenever it comes to me. I'll now introduce you to the tribes. Let me know what you think.

 Tribes

The tribes have lived in relative peace since we arrived here thousands of years ago. Our origins have been lost to the ages. Only a few of our ancient writings have survived to give us any clue at all. From those writings we know that we came from elsewhere through the Acweorna to discover new places, but something went terribly wrong and we were stranded in this place.

The ancient records say we tried for many years to get back home, but after several generations most of us finally gave up. As time passed our population grew, and we slowly began branching off to form different tribes. We also slowly lost most of our technology over time as we tried to survive in this primitive place. Too many hardships and disasters left us with virtually none of our former advantages. The only thing we had left was our superior intelligence.

The one technology we were able to maintain was a remnant of the Acweorna. We have never been able to rebuild it to be able to travel again, but we have been able to use some of its technology to build many other things. It has been the basis of all of our technology then and now, and we use it for almost everything from food to shelter. We continue to experiment with it, and make new advancements in science. We hope that one day we'll be able to unlock some of the old secrets.

In the early times we were alone in this place, but after many centuries animals from this place began to appear, and with them there came the giants. The giants are creatures that resembled a few of the hairier others that seemed able to use their hands almost as efficiently as we do. We soon discovered that the giants were very different.

The giants seemed to quickly gain an advantage over the other animals. They appeared to be smarter than the others and we thought at one time that their intelligence even rivaled our own. We quickly lost that notion when some of us tried to communicate with them. The giants attacked and killed many of us, just like many of the other animals always tried to do. We learned then that they would always be an enemy to be feared.

Knowing that it's impossible to hide from them, we pretend to be just like any other animal when the giants come near. We have superior intelligence and technology, but the giants have vastly superior numbers. As it stands right now, we would be wiped out if we really decided to claim our rightful place here. But we are coming ever closer to the day when we will be ready to take over and rule this place.

Recently though, we have noticed that some of the giants have been watching us a little too closely. We cannot take the chance of them discovering our secret. We still maintain our animalistic behavior when these giants approach, but we also watch them very closely. They seem to have devices that scan us in some way. We don't like this so we yell at them to go away. Most of them take the hint, but some keep at it. Those are the ones we watch.

This brings me to an incident that happened not very long ago. There was a leader of one of the nearby tribes that had a problem with a particularly bothersome giant. The tribe leader was known for being rather impulsive with a bad temper to top it off. After several unpleasant encounters with this giant, The tribe leader took action and locked the giant up intending to do away with it.

Well, he underestimated the numbers of the giants that would be called to its defense. The others soon freed this giant, and it proceeded to send a beast to wipe out several members of that tribe. The tribe leader went insane with rage and went on a rampage of revenge throughout the world. Because of his insanity, it was completely ineffective. That leader's actions almost cost us everything, and as a result he is now considered a renegade. His whereabouts are at this time unknown.

His initial actions must have stirred the curiosity of that particular giant though, because it now continues its investigation of us with an almost feverish passion. We tried ignoring it at first with the hopes that it would give up and go away, but it still gets closer all the time. We have now decided that we have to protect our secret at any cost, so we have begun watching the giant very closely.

The only problem is that the giant has noticed our observations of it, and it seems to make it even more curious. We now have no choice but to take further action against it. We have several plans in place, and extermination is one of our many options. Our actions will be determined by the behavior of this giant. We fear the worst, but we must keep our secrets.

- The log of Scitana Sciuridae 01.34.47

The Mutant Crows

This week's Fiction Friday post is actually a story from the past. The new story I'm working on is taking me longer than expected, so I decided to bring you this one for now. I want the other one to come out right, so it will wait until it's properly finished. Hopefully this one is entertaining as well.

Fiction Friday

I was listening to the radio in my car, and they had a breaking news story. "Mutant Crows Are Attacking People Throughout The Area!"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could something like this happen on Halloween, of all days? Why would crows attack people? What was a mutant crow? Was my radio really on? Let's find out!

At once I looked out the window, and saw them flying around up in the sky. I hoped they weren't coming this way, but then they turned and came right toward me. I have to say, I was still skeptical. But then the massacre began!

They flew down and immediately started landing on people's heads. They began pecking at their skulls! It was horrible! People were running everywhere, but there was nowhere safe from these evil creatures. They seemed to be super intelligent and very organized.

They would fly in groups towards someone, and surround them. Then one would break off from the group and attack. The humans had no chance! The crows were far too intelligent, and they had us outnumbered! They kept on with the attack, and people were falling everywhere, with crows pecking at their heads. The situation was looking bleak, but the worst was still coming!

The crows started ripping people's brains out through their ears. It was a completely disgusting scene! I felt horrible for them. These people were laying there quivering, while the crows seemed to be enjoying an evil holiday meal. How could we end this?

Then someone had an idea, "Let's make a scarecrow!" That was a great idea! Scarecrows were the traditional boogeymen for crows. This would stop them! Everyone that was left went right to work making scarecrows with whatever they could find. Soon there were several of them up and ready. We would soon see victory!

The crows finally took notice of this, and flew over to see what was happening. We were all ready for them. As soon as they saw the scarecrows, they all in unison let out a large squawk. This was it!

Then they swooped down on the crowd. Our plan didn't work! We were now the target of their evil attack. Even the scarecrows weren't safe! They started pecking away at us, and it was too late to fight. It was all over now. The crows had won.

Even through all of this, and as I felt the pecking on my head, I wondered why they called them mutant crows. But as the light faded from my eyes, and the darkness began to close in, I looked up and saw the most frightening thing yet. Now I knew why!

The crowds of people were back up and walking, but they had been changed. They now looked only half human. The other half was crow! The very last thing I saw was one of the scarecrows. It now looked as much like a crow as the humans, and it was alive. It was looking right back at me.

Somehow I woke up! I wasn't dead! I thought I was done for, but I felt fine. As I looked around me, I realized that I wasn't where I was before. I was at home, safely in bed. It was only a dream. Man, was I relieved! That was a really bad dream! At least it's over.

If I go out today and this really does happen, I would like to be the first one to welcome our new mutant crow overlords. If it doesn't, at least I'm prepared.

So you think this story was bad? I'd like to see you come up with a better one in an hour and a half. Really! If you have one, leave a link in the comments section. I'll be sure to take a look.

Henry Heinrich's Horrible Hallucination

Fiction Friday

Hello, my name is Henry. I have a story to tell you about something that just happened to me. It might seem strange, but I think I've been hallucinating. I mean, it must all be a hallucination, right? It has to be!!!

It all started when I was reading a story on the internet. It was about some idiot that started a war with a bunch of squirrels. The story was kind of stupid but I liked it anyway, so I decided to look through the site. As I started reading I saw that there were some very good ideas on how being out in the middle of nature can relieve some of the stress from our everyday lives, so I decided I might try it for myself.

After one particular tiring day at work, I was driving home through a wooded area. I saw a sign for a nature preserve, and I decided to stop and go in. I noticed it was just like the website said, there was a small dirt trail leading into the woods, and a sign with some park rules. I was still kind of stressed out, and I didn't need no stinking rules, so I walked right in without reading them.

I have to tell you, after walking for a little ways in the woods, my stress began to melt away. The air smelled so fresh. And there were all sorts of beautiful plants, little animals like squirrels and a few other cute little things. I didn't start any wars though, I was too relaxed now. As a matter of fact, I was feeling so relaxed that I decided to take a little siesta beside a tree that I saw several feet off the trail. Just a short nap, no big thing.

I must have been asleep longer than I thought, because when I woke up it was beginning to get dark. I figured I'd better get up and head on home. I really felt much better now than when I got here. I was going to remember to come back here as often as I could. As I got to my feet, I heard the sound of a man clearing his throat.

I turned toward the sound and saw a man standing there in a white suit. Everything about this guy seemed to sparkle. His suit was the cleanest I've ever seen, complete with odd looking red tie. He was a tall slim man with slicked back black hair and a little thin mustache, and he was looking right at me. If you're not already thinking it, I'll say it. This was really strange out here in the forest!

Since he was staring so intensely at me, I decided to ask him, "Uhmm, is there something you want?"

"Well of course there's something I want," he said. "I want you! I mean, I want to talk to you. I have a deal for you, and I don't think you can refuse this one." I began to put two and two together, and I remembered reading stories like this before. I didn't think he had any deal that I'd really like. This kind of deal never worked out very well for guys like me, and I told him so.

He kind of laughed and said, "That's all in the past! In these modern times I let you think it out before we finalize the deal. In the past it was just my inexperience that led to a few bad endings to a few little agreements."

"What happened with those past agreements? I don't want something bad to happen to me. Not that I'm agreeing to anything, I just want to know," I asked suspiciously.

He said, "Well, there was the time a man asked for one billion dollars and..."

"Wait a minute," I said. "A billion dollars! So you really are..."

"That's right! The one and only, but let me finish," he said. "I gave him the money, all in pennies, and I kind of accidentally dropped it on his house with him inside. That was too bad for him," he chuckled. "We'll make sure that won't happen with you though. You're much smarter than him, and besides, I'll protect you for this one, because I'm trying to repair my bad reputation. It's just not good for business to keep letting my marks die on me."

I didn't like the way this was going, so I asked him how he would guarantee that I wouldn't die. I figured that if I played along, he'd let me leave soon. He said, "Well, I'll make sure you don't ask for anything quite so outrageous as a billion dollars. It's always the greed that does 'em in, so try to ask for something that might help others. You know, like having a superpower or something. You could be some sort of superhero, and I guarantee you won't die."

Actually, I thought, this was getting interesting now. A superpower sounded kind of cool. I know, I could be Superman! Wait, no, that was getting greedy and he said not to be greedy. I'll only pick one superpower, but which one? "I want to fly! I mean, I want the power of flight," I told him.

"A wonderful choice," he exclaimed. "You will have the power of flight. It will last your whole lifetime, and I guarantee that no harm will come to you as a result. Your wish is granted. The deal is done!" As soon as the last words were out of his mouth he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

I was kind of scared, but it was too late, the deal was done. I decided that maybe I should try out my new special power. I jumped into the air, and nothing happened. Just kidding! I flew! I was now soaring freely in the air! I was really flying! I did it! I was the first one to get the better of him in a deal!

Because this was so great, I decided to fly around for the rest of the day. I eventually tired myself out, so I decided to find another nice place to rest, somewhere nearby. I looked down and saw a piece of land in the middle of a small lake. That looked like as good a place as any to take a nap after my first day as the newest superhero.

I woke up to the sound of footsteps coming towards me. I thought it was him again coming to try and change the deal, since I had beaten him so badly. But when I turned to look, I saw a completely different sight. It was some big idiot wearing a hat of fake mouse ears, and a toy eye patch. He was running towards me with a camera in his hand!

He lifted the camera in my direction and took a picture. I angrily looked at him and yelled, "HONK!!!"

The Return Of Mr. Nutz

Fiction Friday

Well, it seems there has been a very strange turn of events in the squirrel war that we all thought was long over with. Mr. Nutz is back! And he is alive and well, mostly. It seems a dragon nipped the tip of his tail. There he is in these pictures, looking as healthy as ever.

The last we all saw of the very angry squirrel, Mr. Nutz, was when it appeared that he was swallowed whole by a surprisingly evil Florida dragon. I admitted my horrible wrongdoing back then, when I stole the dragon so I could murder the squirrels out of misguided revenge.

I think my mind was being controlled by that dragon. It was all his fault. Yeah, that's the ticket! It was all the fault of the dragon. He made me do it. You gotta believe me! I even tried to apologize, but it fell on deaf ears. Please, feel sorry for me! Anyway, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

It seems the angry Mr, nutz has had quite an adventure since we last saw him. He told me the whole story, between threats of hunting me down and destroying my acorns. It seems the dragon only nipped his tail a little bit, but he got away and led what was left of his squirrel army to the other side of the world in an attempt to hide.

He claimed that they traveled all the way to The Philippines, where they hid out in a zoo for awhile. Then when they thought it might be safe, they made their way over to Malaysia. One of the black squirrels in the group was almost run down by a speeding motorist.

While there, Mr. Nutz said they saw another guy with a camera wandering around. He told me it reminded him of me, so they followed him home and destroyed his modem. They thought they had a measure of satisfaction from that, but I told them the guy was just fine now, so they failed again. This made Mr. Nutz pretty angry as I laughed when I told this to him.

He claimed revenge is coming for both men. I told him he's just a squirrel without a nut, because if he was going to do anything to them, he wouldn't have come back here. I began laughing again as he got more and more angry with me. It was pretty funny watching this little squirrel's tail shivering with rage.

When the squirrels finally came back, they decided to hide out in a few houses along the way, chewing up whatever they found. They did it all because they were trying to get revenge on as many humans as they could. These little creeps were rampaging their way all the way back to Michigan. Has anyone else seen evidence of their worldwide rampage?

Finally, an army of dolls, uh, I mean action figures decided to defend us all from this rampaging army of squirrels. I received a report late last night that they had taken out Mr. Nutz, and thwarted the march of the monstrous squirrels. It turned out that it was only one of Mr. Nutz' body guard lookalikes. He evaded death again.

Now Mr. Nutz is back, and threatening revenge on anyone standing in his way! He has become slightly crazed(nuts) by his ordeal with the dragon, and he vows to get us all back. I think he just lost his acorns, and he's no threat at all. Is anybody really worried about a squirrel anyway?

He finished telling me the story, as I continued laughing at his threats. With one last snarl of anger, he lunged at me and missed, as I quickly dodged out of the way. He hit the ground running and scampered off into the forest vowing to steal my nuts. Stupid squirrel. I'm not worried. Well I'm not. Really.

Jack And The Rabbit

Here's a little fairytale I wrote in honor of the upcoming holiday, but it can be read even without the holiday in mind. It may seem to be more of a child's story, even though the first Jack story probably isn't. I still hope a few adults can enjoy it too.

Fiction Friday

A while ago, I told the story of Jack And The Magic Stick. It was the real story of Jack And The Beanstalk. In that story, Jack made quite a bit of money by doing some awful things with a stick he got in a trade for his mother's only cow. His mother was completely fooled, and she thought he just traded the cow for a nice sum of cash. She also thought Jack had mended his lazy ways.

Since then, Jack's family farm began to prosper. Jack continued to earn easy money with his horrible stick exhibition, and his mother, not knowing of this, used the money to buy very many more farm animals. It seemed like everything was good, until Jack's mother made him help on the farm.

One of the animals she bought was a little rabbit that didn't seem very healthy, but Jack's mother felt sorry for it. She took it home and soon nursed it back to health. The rabbit now seemed very happy in it's new home. There was only one problem though, and that problem was named Jack.

Jack didn't like the rabbit, because his mother paid so much attention to it while it was sick. She had to do it if the rabbit was going to get healthy. The rabbit became her pride and joy, because it seemed to appreciate her help so much. This of course made Jack extremely jealous.

He didn't like any of the animals on the farm, and never had a good word or look for any of them. He hated his new job as a farmer, and he made it no secret to anyone, except his mother. He especially liked to release his wrath on the rabbit.

He would chase the poor thing around with hedge clippers, and threaten to cut off it's long ears. One time, he grabbed it by the ears and flung it across the yard! It was amazingly unhurt, because Jack's mother kept it very healthy. He also terrorized the other animals so bad that I can't mention most of it here.

Meanwhile, Jack's mother didn't know any of this was happening. The animals thought she was just the most wonderful human being ever. They would do anything for her. They always made sure that they did there share of the work on the farm, and more. She loved all of the animals, and they loved her back just as much.

The cows always gave her plenty of milk. The sheep gave more wool than she could ever need. And the chickens didn't mind laying eggs for Jack's mother, even though they knew what she used them for. After all, laying eggs is what chickens were for. They were happy to help the farm.

Jack didn't care for any of this! He desperately hated being a farmer. Trouble was what he liked, and trouble was what he caused. One of his favorite things to do was to steal the chicken's eggs and throw them at the other animals. He loved the way they would splat against their heads.

The rabbit, who wanted to stop Jack's bad behavior, decided to save the eggs by hiding them from him. So he asked the chickens to help him. First, he figured out a way to keep Jack from splatting those eggs if he ever did find them. He asked the chickens to boil them until they became hard. They wouldn't splat now! Then the animals disguised the eggs by painting them all different colors.

When the animals were finished disguising the eggs, the rabbit hid them all over the farm. He thought Jack would never find them now. Then when Jack gave up looking, the rabbit would show Jack's mother where they all were. It seemed like the perfect plan in the mind of a rabbit.

When Jack went to steal the eggs so he could throw them at the cows, he found nothing there. He thought that maybe there weren't any eggs yet today, so he promptly left to find other mischief to cause. As he was walking through the grass by the house, he accidentally kicked something.

He looked down and saw what seemed to him like a colored rock. He picked it up, and delightedly thought to himself that it was the prettiest rock he had ever seen. It looked kind of like an egg, he thought. Just as he slipped it into his pocket, he spotted another one just a short distance away.

He took a step towards it, and promptly tripped and fell. He felt something crunch in his pocket, and reached in and pulled out the colored rock, only to find that it was now cracked all over. He noticed he could peel off the outside, and began to do so. Not being very bright, he took a bite of the soft egg within.

Luckily, he discovered it was good! He now knew it was an egg, but didn't know how it got that way. He was completely delighted! He quickly began searching for the other eggs. He didn't want to splat these, they were good. He was having so much fun, and he wanted to show this to his mother. He thought this was much better than an illegal scheme. He could show this to everybody!

The rabbit saw all of this, and understood that this was a good way to make children happy. If they were happy, maybe they wouldn't cause the kind of mischief that Jack used to do. He decided to tell other rabbits about this so they could tame any unruly children they might meet, and also to reward all of the good children. It worked well both ways!

Hiding eggs became a very popular thing for rabbits to do. They loved watching the delight on the children's faces when they would find them. The rabbits liked this so much that some of them still hide colored eggs for children to this very day.

A Big Goose Egg

Fiction Friday

It was another quiet day at the nature park today, but it was okay because I like days like this. I thought maybe I'd go down and check out the lake, since there didn't seem to be much animal activity either. There weren't even any geese swimming around, so I decided to just relax and watch the water.

After awhile, I noticed the geese were all over at their nesting area, further up the lake. Usually they come over to beg for food, but they seemed strangely quiet today. I decided since they wouldn't come to me, I'd take a few pictures of them right where they were then. They wouldn't get away that easy!

As I was looking over there to decide where best to point the camera, I noticed something odd. There was a glint of the color gold in the weeds, just to the right of the geese. At first I thought nothing of it, but as I kept looking, I noticed that the gold seemed to be in the shape of an egg.

Then I started to put two and two together. The only problem was that I kept coming up with five. I remembered the story of the goose that laid the golden egg, but I knew it was only a fairy tale. Fairy tale or not though, I seemed to be looking right at a golden egg myself.

My mind started to race. I began to think to myself over and over, "Gold! Gold! GOLD!!!" I needed to climb a hill to get close to that end of the lake and the golden egg. So I ran up the hill so I could get what I now convinced myself must be an actual golden egg.

I reached my destination, and I was now standing at the top of the hill looking far down at the place where the geese were nesting. I guess I was going to have to climb down there if I was going to get what I decided was now rightfully mine. I was going to be rich!

As I began to move forward, I felt a push from behind! I now found myself tumbling all the way down this thirty foot slope. I think I landed on every tender place on me that there could be! What seemed like hours took only a few seconds, and I had bounced to a halt at the edge of the lake.

I was surprisingly unhurt. After I stood up, the first thing I did was look back up the hill to see who pushed me. It better not be a squirrel! I quickly saw that it was no squirrel. It was that little guy dressed in green that I encountered a few weeks ago.

As he looked down at me, he yelled, "I know what yer after! That's my gold, and you better stay away from it!" I wasn't going to take that from a runt! No leprechaun could stop me. I turned toward the golden egg, with the intention of claiming my new prize. As I looked for it again, I quickly realized that it was gone!

The geese were still there though, and they didn't look happy with me. I was done starting wars with animals, so I turned and quickly left them in peace. I went as fast as could, right back up that hill. I was going to get that leprechaun this time!

I finally made it to the top, and I stood there trying to catch my breath. Then I saw the little jerk leprechaun standing a short distance away grinning at me. He had the egg! That egg was almost as big as him, but he held it as if it weighed nothing. He was bouncing it from one hand to the other.

I wanted to get that egg! I had to catch him and take it from him! I quickly( well, almost quickly) moved towards him, and he turned and ran! He was heading straight for the tree that he jumped into the last time I chased him. I made it in there before, so I didn't think he could escape like that. I just wish I could remember what happened after I got in there last time.

I was right behind him as he made his way toward the hole in the side of the tree! He dove in and quickly disappeared. Then I leaped towards it, knowing that I had him now, and with a loud crack I slammed head first into the side of the tree!

I laid there for a minute realizing that the cartoons are right. You really do see stars when you crack your head. I slowly sat up trying to focus my eyes. I noticed that I was several feet away from the tree, and I couldn't quite stand up yet.

As things started to come back into focus, the leprechaun came back out of the tree. I thought maybe he was going to make sure I was alright. But then he did something else. He turned away from me, dropped his pants, started laughing hysterically, and he was now moving his butt from side to side! The little jerk mooned me!!!


I was furious! I started to get up but my legs were still limp from my collision with the tree, so I flopped back down to the ground. The leprechaun, still laughing at me, then slowly raised his pants and calmly walked back into the hole in the tree. I knew I wasn't going to catch him now, so I was left with nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. A big fat goose egg. Oh well, there's always next Friday.


Related Posts

• The Little Green Man
• The Florida Dragon
• Squirrel Gone Nuts
• The Squirrel Strikes Back
• Squirrel War 1